I just feel dumb...

Ok, aside from putting ingredients in my bread machine to make dough and pressing the bake cycle...WHY can I not figure out how to put a header on my blog??? Can someone please enlighten me??

Fearless?

As I lay in bed with my sweet Lillian, rubbing her head to get her to sleep, I had time for reflection. I thought about today, and Isabelle showing her profession of faith, then my mind jumped to Lillian again and my fears that nestle deep down, that I bury, about her well being. It got me to thinking about my childhood and what a fearful child I was. While I took no thought to grabbing hold of a grapevine and swinging out over a ravine...I vividly remember being frightened when I heard a car squealling down our rural country road. I was raised in a mobile home in the woods and when someone went tearing down the road at night, you heard it. Even though our home was up on a hill and our driveway was a hill, my mind's eye always imagined some crazy person flying up the driveway and into our house (in the car). Particularly when there was a fight in the family I worried someone would retailiate against us. I also recall being afraid to sleep on the top bunk bc I thought someone could actually scale the home and climb in a teeny tiny window just to hurt me. The storms...oh the storms, just terrified me. I remember many a times watching the winds cause these mammoth trees to seemingly bow down to the ground. When my Dad built rooms onto the mobile home for my sister and me, I specifically recall telling him I didn't want a window. I think he laughed.

Several times, during winter Mom and I were frightened out of bed by the fire alarm and we all (except Dad) ran over to Grandma's house til he figured out what was wrong. You don't hang out in a single wide mobile home when fire is perhaps in the walls...

Some of my fears were rational, such as my parents' splitting up, some of them weren't...such as
'Jaws' coming up through the bath tub drain to eat me. (I might mention that my mother used to let the drain suction onto my butt and make me think the sink was trying to suck me down...) ahem...anyway, I think my fears followed me all through my life. I was always desperate to have a boyfriend, and being from small town IN and being slightly bigger than most girls in my class, that was not going to happen. I felt so insecure about myself and was so enamored when a boy did show me attention, that I totally let go of myself at a very young age. It was nuts. To think at the age of 15 I would expect to marry someone that I was dating then. I also remember crying when in my junior year a boy that I was dating broke up with me. I thought my life was over...seriously.

I used to be so afraid of death or worry that my Mom would die. She was very sick when we were quite small (and actually continues to battle health issues).

Early on as a married couple I was fearful to stay home alone while Matt worked late into the nights. It was nuts. Nuts, nuts nuts. That fear passed as my Mother and father in law prayed over me one day for the Lord to take my fear away. And He did.

As an adult, my fears are so much bigger but it took me years to learn to give them to God. While I know nothing is certain, I know that because of God, I will be able to get through it. I was afraid when my baby was struggling to survive, but she still ives. I was afraid when I brought her home, but I'm still her best caregiver. I was afraid when the flood threatened to take away everything we had, but it didn't. I was afraid when I had to find a new place to live, but God provided a home. I was afraid when I thought a tornado was going to whisk us away and I couldn't get my baby disconnected from her machines in time, but a tree just landed on the house and we were safe. Not to say there aren't many obstacles to still overcome in light of such circumstances, and there have been harsh realities, but God is taking us through them all. I have faith that is bigger than my fear and I only hope that I can impart this to my children so they will not carry with them a spirit of fear.

Rejoicing

Tomorrow, Isabelle, my ten year old will be baptized. She accepted Christ as her savior some time ago, but baptism has always frightened my kids a little, so I do not press. I pray. It is one of the few times in life that I recall weeping in pure joy. Typically, I'm a crier, most of my emotions come out in tears. Tomorrow will be joyful tears. There is nothing in my heart but love and joy in seeing my girls follow in believer's baptism. I have allowed her to choose the lunch menu, which will be spaghetti with my homemade sauce, garlic bread, and cake for dessert.

God is good.

Butterscotch Rice Crispy Treats

Do you love the rice crispy treats? I do...but I'm not a huge fan of making them. I was given this recipe long ago and have found it easier to make and just as tasty. My first impression upon hearing the recipe made me cringe. While I liked all the ingredients separately, I thought it sounded nasty all together...until I tasted it. After that, I had trouble walking away from the pan....*sighs*...hence it does not get made often here, so I don't eat it all!
Super simple and quick.

Ingredients
3/4 c creamy peanut butter
1 bag butterscotch chips
5-6 c rice crispy cereal

Microwave peanut butter and chips until smooth, about 1 1/2 minutes, stirring until smooth. Stir in cereal to desired consistency and press into 9x13 pan. I butter the pan. Let sit, if you can, lol, and cut into squares, voila---let me know if you try it and if you like it. ALL of my kids love it as does my husband. It's a family pleaser! I'd post a picture, but they were all eaten before I had the chance.

Having one of those weeks?

I am. I have been very raw the last week. Short on patience and very tearful. Can't really put my finger on anything in particular, just low. I'm not hormonal, not pregnant and all I can think of is the devil. Really, I'm just so blah. I feel guilty for how unsettled I feel and my reactions are not really all that good by night time.

There has been a lot of animal death here on the farm which does not help the mood. I had an out loud chat with God and Satan today.

I am again reminded of how weak a person I really am and how God is the only reason I keep on keeping on.

I am certain Lillian's condition roller coaster is the driving force, but it is not at the forefront of my mind most of the time. I pray and pep talk myself each night. I'm just funk-i-fied I guess. A funk, for sure.

Going to spend the afternoon at a friends house on the lake, the girls will swim and Lil' and I will watch. fun in the sun and then it is off to VBS.

PS- Is it July already?? How is that possible?

Squire Boon Caverns June 2010

Waterfall that you actually walk over....

In front fo the rim dam

Rim Dam

Because our local community offers a summer reading program, our girls were able to earn free coupons for the caverns, which I thought was totally cool. All of them managed to earn them relatively quickly so I planned a little excursion after Lillian's not so great doctor appointment. We had a very fun day and the girls really enjoyed the cavern tour. Some place I'm sure we will travel to again. I had been to this place when I was fifteen and have always wanted to go again. Matt was able to take the day off and we had a nice family day. Helped to keep my mind of the days' earlier news for sure. The cavern was more than 90 ft below ground and has one of two of the US's cave rim dams with a huge water fall. I may be screwing up the real history, but it was something like that. It is also the world's 2nd largest living cavern. Our tour guide was great and full of information. There is a little village to look around with a candle making shop, working grist mill, and soap making shop. Although the heat was unbelieveable outside we still had a great time. I was surprised at how much the kids really enjoyed it.

Memorial Day Memories

Grandma going down the drive with Lillian, Rebecca and Isabelle

Matt retaliating against Lois (our niece) for the second picture from this one...

All the grub

Lois and Matt, it's a love/hate relationship...not really.

Another sweet pic...

We had a nice day, good weather and good food. We had invited some extended relatives, but noone showed. Had a great day anyway. A new tradition in the making?