Not REAL bad news...

I'm in a bit of a funk today. Although I know I should be calling different friends and family to tell them the news...no surgery Wednesday and no new date...I cannot bring myself to do it. A weight has fallen on me. Lillian is not well enough to proceed with the planned surgery. Problem therein---she needs the surgery like in ten days so we KNOW she will be well for about a week. Guess what? Surgery schedules don't work that way...grrrr. Now they say that it won't happen until after the holidays. Question is when will we be able to get her in while she's NOT sick? I feel frustrated...irritated might be a better word. Here's how it goes, she's sick all the time because she has the open palate and the trach. They won't try to take out the trach until they close the palate...they can't close the palate until she's NOT sick...have you followed the circle? As anxious as I felt about the impending surgery, I was ready to head down the road of all things to come....all the things we've been working towards. It's like someone has taken to sitting on my chest and won't get up. ***whine alert*** I don't want her to be sick anymore, I want to be mad at anyone or strike out at someone...I want someone to say...THIS is what will happen without fail...but they can't and I can't be mad at anyone, it's wasted energy. I don't even (at this moment) have the desire to go to school and face people with a fake happiness. Or have to act like I'm ok. I'm not, I'm not happy at this moment and I'm not ok. Just somedays you don't want to face "how are you?" My girl is suffering and I just want that to stop and I can't make it stop...is there a more helpless feeling? Bethany had asked me if I would cry if she didn't have the surgery and I said to her why would I do that? Guess who cried all the way home from Indy? I find it ironically funny. *SIGHS* Tomorrow I will rise and realize again what is not happening Wednesday, knowing it will happen, just not in my time...also another bit of irony...she finally got her RSV shot today...HA!

Honesty

I've been pondering on this thought for some time. I've never admitted it, but to one person....you know who you are, 'specially after reading JM's last update. Wanting to leave her encouraging comments and say "IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT" but realizing again my hypocritical thinking. I feel terribly guilty that my child is the way she is....that she has been born with a life that may not be the one I had hoped for her. I mean, I had to take BP meds while I was pregnant, was on a med when I became pregnant (although I stopped taking it right away) We have joked for years that I am a "bad incubator". Deep down, I do feel that way. I try not to allow myself these thoughts, as the devil seizes them and uses them against me and he wins. In truth, my fault or not, she's here and she's the way she's going to be and that's ok. I love her and I'm better for having her in my life. It doesn't matter if they saw anything on the ultrasound or I declined that Downs Syndrome blood test. Perhaps there would have been an indication of what was coming... It wouldn't have changed a thing. It certainly hasn't been an easy two years, but did I ever pray for that? My whole life I've been being prepared for these very moments. Hopefully, I will have the opportunity to use my experience to help someone else. GO AWAY GUILT, stop knocking at my door. You may not be gone, but your raps are getting harder to hear.

I DO sound like a crazy person...

So, I got to thinking about my Blogaholicism and decided I would just go ahead and admit my other addictions, maybe it will help me? *hysterical evil laughter*

I'm addicted to:

Mountain Dew---I CANT stop drinking
Blogging-see previous post
Sleeping-I think I worship sleep
Purses- I can't NOT carry a purse, what's with that?
Reading-I'm a little OCD when I get started on a good one
Scrapbooking- when I'm in the groove, it's hard to walk a way
Real Arcade-online computer games that once I'm hooked I can't stop til I win
Blogging-did I list that already?
Eating out-I LOVE to cook, but I LOVE to eat out even more! This is an addiction I have trouble fulfilling!

At the present moment I can't think of much else that i consider myself addicted to....I'm sure something else will pop up eventually. Anyway, what are your "addictions" ? Don't be afraid, it's the easiest step...admitting...lol. May I also say I don't know what the second step is, so we are safe with with just admission!

Random Thoughts

I'm tired today, could it be that I went to bed at two and Lillian got up at four and then I had to get back up to take girls to dentist??? I feel like I'm in blog withdrawal, this being the first time I've been on today. Dare I admit it?? I'm a, yes, I'm saying it, (admission is the first step right?) blogaholic. I wish I had more time to flit around and read more peoples' blogs. Why is it so obsessive to want to learn about other people and their lives? And I just don't want to read the first post, I want to go through and READ it all.... AND, why do I sit here and start to stress wehn noone has posted in a while that I'm following? Don't they know I MUST be updated??? LOL. Ok, I've admitted it, time to move on. I also want to say, I just finished reading Twilight, aweome book, go out. get it.read it. you will not be disappointed. Now I must find a way to get a hold of the next three. What next? hmmm, anxious nerves ensue as December 10th draws nearer. Lillian has surgery that day and I dread it...I just want it to be over with. Hopefully this will be her last surgery to have to endure. Let us pray that the little hole in her heart that still exists is closing up all on it own....(that would be the only other surgery I can think she might have) This will be a busy weekend, Rebecca has two concerts one Saturday and two perfomances Sunday. I'm so proud of her resiliance. It does not seem to phase her at all. Bethany had a concert tonight, I'm so appalled at the behavior of these middle school kids...it just amazes me. There were boys yelling and carrying on through the whole thing. What is wrong with kids today----NO R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Sad really.

I guess I should stop typing, I feel as though my randomness is falling hopelessly into rambling.

Fourteen Years Ago

Fourteen years ago I was a wide-eyed teenager fresh out of highschool looking forward to my coming wedding in May 1995. After about a month, we began to wonder exactly what we were waiting for, so we moved the date up to December. After much upheavel (sp?) in the fam...we settled it...December 3 it would be. What I've learned?

1. You only have a short time to be a kid
2. Save some money
3. Seek good advice
4. Marriage is a two way street, don't be self-centered
5. You will reap what you sew
6. Center your marriage on Christ

Would I do it all over again...yes....would I do some things different? Maybe, I don't know, you can't go back. All you can do is look forward and learn from your mistakes.

For the second year in a row my husband has made a gourmet type lunch for us and it has been very good. He rarely cooks, but when he does, he goes all out. I love him, I need him and I pray we have many, many more years together. I didn't get a picture this year, but I'll post the one from last year.

I'm also posting a picture of our CB tree.

Oh Christmas Can???

Sing to the tune of Oh Christmas Tree...

Oh Pringles Can
Oh Pringles Can
How lovely are your
Contents
Oh Pringles Can
Oh Pringles Can
And even better
Empty

You make loud noise
When I put
My hairbrush inside
It’s fun it’s true

I have no toys
As you can see
You bring such joy

And oh the glee

Oh Pringles Can

Oh Pringles Can

How lovely you

are to me

A Charlie Brown Christmas

We lost our Christmas tree in the flood. My mom gave us a tree that was my aunt's and hubby just did not like it. We went to the Vortex today and bought a relatively cheap one....oh my goodness, it is so pitifully sad. It is the CB tree. I guess it doesn't matter, maybe we can find one after the holiday really cheap. Once it is all decorated, I'll post a pic. It has been one crazy evening. Rebecca had practice from five thirty to eight forty-five. We went out for dinner due to time issues and went to Fazoli's. The service was terrible and they weren't even busy. I hate when we go out to eat and it's awful bc we just don't get to do it much. GRRR.

Me wee little daughter does not have her RSV shot yet, which I find highly annoying. Sometimes, I think if I could get my hands on some office professionals, I might turn into the weed and the flower cartoon, you know that one right?? What the mean weed does to the pretty flower? I just do not understand why everything has to be a battle.

Lillian is supposed to be in Indy at 0-dark hundred in the morning and I have absolutely no desire to make that drive so early. ICK. If the weather gets ickier I don't think I will. Little Missy is down here playing with Mr. Potato Head, seemingly not at all ready for bed...hmmmm this is a problem. Better go and try to get her snoozy.