Sunday, December 7, 2008

Honesty

I've been pondering on this thought for some time. I've never admitted it, but to one person....you know who you are, 'specially after reading JM's last update. Wanting to leave her encouraging comments and say "IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT" but realizing again my hypocritical thinking. I feel terribly guilty that my child is the way she is....that she has been born with a life that may not be the one I had hoped for her. I mean, I had to take BP meds while I was pregnant, was on a med when I became pregnant (although I stopped taking it right away) We have joked for years that I am a "bad incubator". Deep down, I do feel that way. I try not to allow myself these thoughts, as the devil seizes them and uses them against me and he wins. In truth, my fault or not, she's here and she's the way she's going to be and that's ok. I love her and I'm better for having her in my life. It doesn't matter if they saw anything on the ultrasound or I declined that Downs Syndrome blood test. Perhaps there would have been an indication of what was coming... It wouldn't have changed a thing. It certainly hasn't been an easy two years, but did I ever pray for that? My whole life I've been being prepared for these very moments. Hopefully, I will have the opportunity to use my experience to help someone else. GO AWAY GUILT, stop knocking at my door. You may not be gone, but your raps are getting harder to hear.

5 comments:

Finding Normal said...

UGH! I hear ya. It's hard not to feel guilty. I try not to even go there, as you well know, because the ugly cry comes. I just try to tell myself that God lets me know what I need to know, when I need to know it. I, too, declined that test, and my OB said it probably wouldn't have showed anything. And even with hindsight she couldn't find anything in my ultrasound. And I know she would tell me, and I know she is hypercritical and anal and proactive and would not have overlooked something. He just wasn't ready for me to know because it really really would've ruined my pregnancy, and I LOVE being pregnant.
TRUST. That's all I can say.

Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

Well, did all the tests, even had an amniocintesis. I wouldnt have changed anything, but just had to know right then and there. The tests all came back normal, and I tried to relax. The problem was that a protein that should have been there when the cells were dividing wasnt there, and there wasnt a thing I could do about it. Yes, Alex has RTS, nothing I could have done to prevent it, accept not get pregnant, but then I would be the same shallow person I was before he entered this world. I have no idea where I am going with this accept to say you arent alone. Thanks for your honest post!

Vickie said...

I don't know what to say. I have not experienced this in my life. I don't want to say, "Don't blame yourself" because that is easy for me to say, I am not dealing with a child with disabilities.

All I can say is, I am here to listen and sometimes throw in my two cents :)

Marissa said...

Hey there,

thanks for your comment and for stalking my blog! ;)

I have read your blog too and I am finding we have a lot in common.

Let's add each other to our lists and keep in touch!

Junior Mints said...

I guess guilt is a mom thing...thanks for your support.