Sunday, December 7, 2008
I've been pondering on this thought for some time. I've never admitted it, but to one person....you know who you are, 'specially after reading JM's last update. Wanting to leave her encouraging comments and say "IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT" but realizing again my hypocritical thinking. I feel terribly guilty that my child is the way she is....that she has been born with a life that may not be the one I had hoped for her. I mean, I had to take BP meds while I was pregnant, was on a med when I became pregnant (although I stopped taking it right away) We have joked for years that I am a "bad incubator". Deep down, I do feel that way. I try not to allow myself these thoughts, as the devil seizes them and uses them against me and he wins. In truth, my fault or not, she's here and she's the way she's going to be and that's ok. I love her and I'm better for having her in my life. It doesn't matter if they saw anything on the ultrasound or I declined that Downs Syndrome blood test. Perhaps there would have been an indication of what was coming... It wouldn't have changed a thing. It certainly hasn't been an easy two years, but did I ever pray for that? My whole life I've been being prepared for these very moments. Hopefully, I will have the opportunity to use my experience to help someone else. GO AWAY GUILT, stop knocking at my door. You may not be gone, but your raps are getting harder to hear.
Posted by Michelle at 11:53 PM