Monday, May 4, 2009

This is Me

Did I say I wasn't uber concerned about Lillian's puking? Well, I don't know who that person was typing....but I totally am. I am totally consumed with her well being and I bounce between let it go and let God and welling in to tears. You know how you worry when your kids are sick? My baby is sick EVERY SINGLE DAY. It is incomprehensible the feeling to see her little body slowly wasting away. To see her ribs and feel her hips protruding through her skin. It is insanely overwhelming to clean up volcanic vomit at every feeding. It is mind numbing to be wary of taking her out ANYWHERE.

I'm starting to have trouble sleeping. Being extremely tired, but not sleeping. Only to then fall asleep and dream about the surgery which really turns out to be a nightmare.

I loathe her pants hanging off her tiny bottom.

I'm tense

I'm running low on tolerance

I'm wishing I could bear the burden for her

Why oh why did He pick her and think I was strong enough???

This is just Me. No super human strength, no different than my neighbor, friends, or family. I'm not stronger or more loving or more anything.


Finding Normal said...

I'm sorry you're worrying and tense and overtired. I would take the burden from you, if I could. Maybe after this palate is closed, things will start looking up for her. And you. I'm praying, as always.

Marissa said...

I am sorry sweetie.

I can't remember if you have mentioned before if Lillian has a Nissen Fundoplication. If she does, she's puking past it and no one is concerned? If she does not have one, has any one of her docs mentioned it? Is she followed by a gastroenterologist? Is she vomiting because she coughs hard and gags on her secretions, like Marissa? Sorry so many questions.

Praying hard for you tonight.


The VW's said...

I don't know why He chose you or Lil, but He did and He has a reason. Knowing this does not make your trials any easier, I know! But, just continue to have faith that there is great purpose in His choice!

I'm so sorry that you and Lil are struggling! I hear the saddness and frustration in your words and I wish that I could do something to help! It just isn't fair, is it? Know that I'll be thinking of you and praying for you! Hang in there! HUGS!!!