Do you see happiness
Do you see love
Do you see faith
Do you see compassion
If you are watching...

Do you see the struggles
Do you feel the pain
Do you understand the trials
Do you look deeper
If you are trying....

Do you know the bitterness
Do you know it's roots
Do you see it growing
Do you know how to stop it
If you only knew...

Do you know the difficulty
Do you know how to cope
Do you think it will change
Do you wonder, why now
If you only could...

I'm different now
I'm trying to fit in
I'm feeling lost
I'm trying to grasp peace
If only...

First time for everything

Today was our first day of home school. The kids were very excited, and ready to learn. At first it was shaky and now that we have day one under our belts, I feel a little more like I know what I'm doing. HA! We'll see if they know anything by the end of the year..hee hee!They were very enthusiastic about doing math...I know, crazy, right??
I'm struggling with some issues, that are pretty big and some that aren't, but struggling just the same. I don't want to really go into it all, because I just don't want to open the flood gates. I know it doesn't matter if we are different. We have more than the average household, we have a special needs child, I'm a stay at home mom, (and let me tell you, that is an oddity by this society's standard). I'm pretty conservative. On the verge of very conservative. We don't have a large income and things stay nice and tight. Most days, I feel like I'm a duck without a pond. Most days.

I just feel dumb...

Ok, aside from putting ingredients in my bread machine to make dough and pressing the bake cycle...WHY can I not figure out how to put a header on my blog??? Can someone please enlighten me??

Fearless?

As I lay in bed with my sweet Lillian, rubbing her head to get her to sleep, I had time for reflection. I thought about today, and Isabelle showing her profession of faith, then my mind jumped to Lillian again and my fears that nestle deep down, that I bury, about her well being. It got me to thinking about my childhood and what a fearful child I was. While I took no thought to grabbing hold of a grapevine and swinging out over a ravine...I vividly remember being frightened when I heard a car squealling down our rural country road. I was raised in a mobile home in the woods and when someone went tearing down the road at night, you heard it. Even though our home was up on a hill and our driveway was a hill, my mind's eye always imagined some crazy person flying up the driveway and into our house (in the car). Particularly when there was a fight in the family I worried someone would retailiate against us. I also recall being afraid to sleep on the top bunk bc I thought someone could actually scale the home and climb in a teeny tiny window just to hurt me. The storms...oh the storms, just terrified me. I remember many a times watching the winds cause these mammoth trees to seemingly bow down to the ground. When my Dad built rooms onto the mobile home for my sister and me, I specifically recall telling him I didn't want a window. I think he laughed.

Several times, during winter Mom and I were frightened out of bed by the fire alarm and we all (except Dad) ran over to Grandma's house til he figured out what was wrong. You don't hang out in a single wide mobile home when fire is perhaps in the walls...

Some of my fears were rational, such as my parents' splitting up, some of them weren't...such as
'Jaws' coming up through the bath tub drain to eat me. (I might mention that my mother used to let the drain suction onto my butt and make me think the sink was trying to suck me down...) ahem...anyway, I think my fears followed me all through my life. I was always desperate to have a boyfriend, and being from small town IN and being slightly bigger than most girls in my class, that was not going to happen. I felt so insecure about myself and was so enamored when a boy did show me attention, that I totally let go of myself at a very young age. It was nuts. To think at the age of 15 I would expect to marry someone that I was dating then. I also remember crying when in my junior year a boy that I was dating broke up with me. I thought my life was over...seriously.

I used to be so afraid of death or worry that my Mom would die. She was very sick when we were quite small (and actually continues to battle health issues).

Early on as a married couple I was fearful to stay home alone while Matt worked late into the nights. It was nuts. Nuts, nuts nuts. That fear passed as my Mother and father in law prayed over me one day for the Lord to take my fear away. And He did.

As an adult, my fears are so much bigger but it took me years to learn to give them to God. While I know nothing is certain, I know that because of God, I will be able to get through it. I was afraid when my baby was struggling to survive, but she still ives. I was afraid when I brought her home, but I'm still her best caregiver. I was afraid when the flood threatened to take away everything we had, but it didn't. I was afraid when I had to find a new place to live, but God provided a home. I was afraid when I thought a tornado was going to whisk us away and I couldn't get my baby disconnected from her machines in time, but a tree just landed on the house and we were safe. Not to say there aren't many obstacles to still overcome in light of such circumstances, and there have been harsh realities, but God is taking us through them all. I have faith that is bigger than my fear and I only hope that I can impart this to my children so they will not carry with them a spirit of fear.

Rejoicing

Tomorrow, Isabelle, my ten year old will be baptized. She accepted Christ as her savior some time ago, but baptism has always frightened my kids a little, so I do not press. I pray. It is one of the few times in life that I recall weeping in pure joy. Typically, I'm a crier, most of my emotions come out in tears. Tomorrow will be joyful tears. There is nothing in my heart but love and joy in seeing my girls follow in believer's baptism. I have allowed her to choose the lunch menu, which will be spaghetti with my homemade sauce, garlic bread, and cake for dessert.

God is good.

Butterscotch Rice Crispy Treats

Do you love the rice crispy treats? I do...but I'm not a huge fan of making them. I was given this recipe long ago and have found it easier to make and just as tasty. My first impression upon hearing the recipe made me cringe. While I liked all the ingredients separately, I thought it sounded nasty all together...until I tasted it. After that, I had trouble walking away from the pan....*sighs*...hence it does not get made often here, so I don't eat it all!
Super simple and quick.

Ingredients
3/4 c creamy peanut butter
1 bag butterscotch chips
5-6 c rice crispy cereal

Microwave peanut butter and chips until smooth, about 1 1/2 minutes, stirring until smooth. Stir in cereal to desired consistency and press into 9x13 pan. I butter the pan. Let sit, if you can, lol, and cut into squares, voila---let me know if you try it and if you like it. ALL of my kids love it as does my husband. It's a family pleaser! I'd post a picture, but they were all eaten before I had the chance.

Having one of those weeks?

I am. I have been very raw the last week. Short on patience and very tearful. Can't really put my finger on anything in particular, just low. I'm not hormonal, not pregnant and all I can think of is the devil. Really, I'm just so blah. I feel guilty for how unsettled I feel and my reactions are not really all that good by night time.

There has been a lot of animal death here on the farm which does not help the mood. I had an out loud chat with God and Satan today.

I am again reminded of how weak a person I really am and how God is the only reason I keep on keeping on.

I am certain Lillian's condition roller coaster is the driving force, but it is not at the forefront of my mind most of the time. I pray and pep talk myself each night. I'm just funk-i-fied I guess. A funk, for sure.

Going to spend the afternoon at a friends house on the lake, the girls will swim and Lil' and I will watch. fun in the sun and then it is off to VBS.

PS- Is it July already?? How is that possible?

Squire Boon Caverns June 2010

Waterfall that you actually walk over....

In front fo the rim dam

Rim Dam

Because our local community offers a summer reading program, our girls were able to earn free coupons for the caverns, which I thought was totally cool. All of them managed to earn them relatively quickly so I planned a little excursion after Lillian's not so great doctor appointment. We had a very fun day and the girls really enjoyed the cavern tour. Some place I'm sure we will travel to again. I had been to this place when I was fifteen and have always wanted to go again. Matt was able to take the day off and we had a nice family day. Helped to keep my mind of the days' earlier news for sure. The cavern was more than 90 ft below ground and has one of two of the US's cave rim dams with a huge water fall. I may be screwing up the real history, but it was something like that. It is also the world's 2nd largest living cavern. Our tour guide was great and full of information. There is a little village to look around with a candle making shop, working grist mill, and soap making shop. Although the heat was unbelieveable outside we still had a great time. I was surprised at how much the kids really enjoyed it.

Memorial Day Memories

Grandma going down the drive with Lillian, Rebecca and Isabelle

Matt retaliating against Lois (our niece) for the second picture from this one...

All the grub

Lois and Matt, it's a love/hate relationship...not really.

Another sweet pic...

We had a nice day, good weather and good food. We had invited some extended relatives, but noone showed. Had a great day anyway. A new tradition in the making?

Another day.

School is out huraah huraahh! We are having a great summer so far. Trying to get a pool filled and making plans for play dates and all such good things. BUT- today is a hard day. Today, I once again had to leave the kids with Grandpa so we can prepare for our overnight stay at the hospital, again. I realize how fortunate we are, I really do. These particular days, however, are so hard emotionally on my "normal" children. They are scared and worried and want to be home. I know it is difficult for them to process. The littler ones anyway. I know this. I don't know, though, why it hurts me so much. It seems like I should be accustomed to it by now. But still my heart aches as they call me crying wanting to come home and just go to a babysitter. It makes me doubtful and it basically just breaks my heart. I wish it would get easier.

Wonder how many times that thought crossed Jesus' mind? I wonder.

Tomorrow will hopefully be the final chapter of the tracheostomy, but if it's not, then oh well, on we trod.

There will be more days like these ahead, this I know.

Scrapbook pages and cards

This is an accordian style keepsake book filled with little envelopes. Envelopes were preceding..stinkin' blogger...;)

I seem to have a butterfly fettish?? I also love leaves. My hubs makes fun of me...

Loved this card, but super time consuming...but also lots of fun! Note the tiny button "sprinkles"

This was part of our Labor Day activities

In hindsight (I tried later, but it would have destroyed the paper) I would have put the picture in the 'sky' of the page and printed my journaling on vellum so I could still see the images on the bottom of the cute paper.

Tip- try journalin on vellum, that way you can still see your cute papers.

Hoedown, 'F' page.

More labor day, why in the world can't I move my pictures around in blogger anymore...a little frustrating, I might say...

Our church started hosting craft days one Saturday a month and I've been able to attend two so far. It is great. Everyone brings their cricut...(which I am now proudly owning bc my wonderful hubs got me one for Mother's Day!!!) We share ideas, fellowship, of course we have snacks and we get to work all day long. It is truly a great way to get things done. (we could probably get more done if we didn't chit chat so much, but still productive) It is also interesting to see how other folks work. I actually met someone who solely does two page layouts. I shudder at the thought...lol. I just try to take really good pics and I do as many pages as needed to finish. Lots of times, I have other folks that give me good pics and I want to include those too. Try not to limit myself.

Now that I've shared some stuff, I'm a-hankerin' for some more. I want to work on stuff. My papers and stickers call to me. *sighs* I fear I must probably do the dishes first and then run some errands. A days duties are never done...

Many Many Babies

We are now the owners of 4 dogs and 11 puppies. Yes, our female dog just gave birth yesterday. She had 12, but the seventh was still born. They are such cute little things, actually not really, the quite remind me of the muskrat out in the pond..hee hee. It was also the first times the kids were able to witness a live birth. I thought Rebecca would die..she came in so upset...her- "mom, mom, something's wrong, the baby is covered in plastic" I had difficulty not giggling when trying to explain to her that is was all normal. When they saw the Mama eating all the yucky stuff, I really thought someone was going to lose their lunch. Never a dull moment.
I really am in disbelief that she had so many. So, in 8-10 weeks if you are looking for a new four legged friend--holla.

Aside from a massive explosion of puppies we currently have three litters of kittens, totalling nine new kitties. I know you are saying to your self, are those people crazy?? Well, the answer there is probably yes. But seriously, when we moved here, the owner of the house left several outside cats, enough said. We had our dogs scheduled to be neutered/spayed, but they couldn't get them in for a week and half. Even after separating and leashing them in separate stalls, they still mated. I think I may have to get a weekend job to afford all the critters. Mercy. Praying we are able to find good homes for them when the time comes.

It is H-O-T, hot here today and slightly muggy, not really comfortable weather to be outside. Unless you are just lazing on the porch anyway.

I tried a new recipe today AND I used my pressure cooker and was quite happy with the results. Even the kids liked it. I had my microwave, breadmaker, and pressure cooker going at the same time and was moderately concerned about blowing a fuse, but all was well, and dinner was had in a very timely fashion. It is going in the recipe file. Apricot chicken. I think I'm making some cinnamon bread that I found on another blog, and trying yet another new recipe for supper tonight. Broccoli and sausage penne. Should be interesting. I love the website Allrecipes.com, if you are looking for some new things to try, it is a great resource. I have found some gems there.

I'm off to make dinner and surrender the computer to Madeline, who has informed me that I've "been on for hours"...ummm, yeah, right. How was your weekend, try anything new? Need a puppy??

Under Pressure

I bought a pressure cooker. I've been wanting one for quite a while and finally took the leap and got one. It is the electric variety and I L-O-V-E it. I've made four meals in it so far and it has not been a disappointment. Here's the trouble...I need more recipes. Do you suppose I could just swap crock pot recipes? I'm just not sure. I love to cook and have lots of cookbooks, but in today's society I think the pressure cooker has gone by the wayside. I'm also excited bc we planted our first garden and I will be able to can in it as well. Who of you uses the almighty pressure cooker?? Got any good recipes? Are you afraid to cook under pressure? I assure you, it is safe, fast, and the results are scrumptious.

I also planted my first herb garden this year. I thought, at the time, I don't need to mark what they are, I'll know what they are when they are grown....well, that is a good theory, and I do know, HOWeVER, cilantro and flat leaf parsley are very similar, so I'm relying on my taste buds to help me out. LOL. It would also have been interesting to know what was what in it's baby stages. Oh well, live and learn.

Track has ended for Bethany and it is so nice to not have to leave and pick her up every day at five. I feel like my evening has returned. School will be out soon and we can enjoy summer and all that is has in store.

What are your summer plans? Do you have a garden?

I'm coming out

Hee hee, how's that for a attention getter?? I've been keeping a secret, sort of. I'm slowly sharing with my friends...and taking in all the opinions. So, let's hear from the blog-o-spere.

It has been laid on my heart for a couple years to homeschool our children. Two years ago, I think I could not have handled everything. Given Lillian's medical issues and all that we were struggling through with her, I just don't think I could have done it. Matt was also not on board and I knew I definitely needed his support. I let the matter go. I decided I could not proceed without him. At the beginning of this year, (with no comment or discussion) he brought it up and felt we should try it. I was thrilled. We have made the decision to move forward with this beginning with the coming school year. I am nervous, and at times doubtful, but I really believe God is leading in this. Our desire is for our family to draw closer together to one another and to the Lord.

I realize it will not be easy. I know there will be bad days. I also know God is in it and He will carry us through.

The Ache

I can't help but feel it. I can't really say I've ever felt it before, but I feel the pang of missing out on the healthy birth of my girl. While I don't dwell on this, and haven't bc it is not reality. But today a friend delivered a healthy little girl and I felt the pang. I am SO happy for her and so thankful, but for a moment I felt that robbed feeling. I missed having that opportunity. As there are no plans for any more children in my future, that is one of the things I was most looking forward to with Lillian and I didn't get it. This whole thing with her airway honestly feels like just like being in the NICU again. All this wretched information about her airway. It's like being the little room again. It is difficult to explain or for anyone to even understand. It is wearing to hear people tell you all the crap that you already know...ie..."she's here"..."look at everything she's come through"...HELLOOOOO I get it. I know this, I know it all. However, we are not talking about a broken bone. WE are talking about her ability to BREATHE. I feel raw. Like an open nerve. Really what I think I want is to unleash all the thoughts I have running through my head, but I can't and won't bc noone is to blame. This is the way God intended. This is the path.

My friend with ALS died Monday and her funeral viewing is tonight. Funeral is tomorrow. Will be a difficult ending to a difficult week.

So, here's some new stuff

I've been a crazy busy woman with all my kiddos and mostly all Lillian's stuff, but I thought I'd show some new things from our lives.

For Christmas, Matt got me this lovely necklace and I know the pic is not great, but it is a heart locket and there are five little angel/birthstone charms representing all my little lovelies. Soooo cute!

We, for the first time ever got a new living room suit. I LOVE it. I also collect miniature tea sets and I haven't had a display case for them for about 3 years. It brings me such joy to be able to have them out again. I also have "new" hair. I HAD to get me some highlights bc someone guessed me 10 years over my actual age. My ego just can't take it anymore.lol. The back in wedged and a darker color...sorry, no back shot.

Sound off! Like my hair? Do you have a cute necklace/jewelry to represent your kiddos?

What is it with teen/preteen girls???

Well, I've been blog absent for a while. I actually came here to unload the yuckiness that I'm experiencing right now, BUT have decided NOT to. Instead, I will talk about the anxt that my sweet daughters are causing. Honestly, I love them...but they DRIVE me crazy sometimes. Seriously, my eldest wears two bras and two to three shirts every day. YES, everyday. What in the world? And why is it that they find bathing to be such a pain. They do it, but for some reason they don't think they need to.....hello, are their noses on vacation. Socks...there's another topic. Why do they think they can wear the same pair of socks several days in a row. Really we are not hygenically challenged. We (the parentals) change clothes, bathe and all that daily. Deodorant....teeth brushing. I could go on and on. Where in the world have I failed??? *sighs* Skip this part, if you don't like TMI, but my 12 year old recently asked me how to keep her private area from smelling bad, I said, well, you wash it and change your underwear everyday. Guess what, she wasn't changing everyday. Lord. have. mercy. No wonder I go to bed feeling like the world's worst mother. MOTY lives. (Steph over at Daily Smiles is trying to take my title, but I think I'm still in the lead)

And now, the boy factor is a major thing. I'm not sure how I will continue to cross this mine field of puberty without some casualty. (them not me)

PS- this post is meant to be funny.