Insanity Compounds Part 2

Seriously, I did not do this on purpose. In taking my shower today at 330pm, yes, you got the time right, when my dear children got home, I washed my hair...woo hoo, got that right and then proceeded to put my Mary Kay facial cleanser in my hand to wash my face and I'll be darned if I didn't wipe it right into my hair. WHAT THE HECK?? I've never done this kind of stuff before.



Must be all this. argh....

How to tell you've finally lost your mind

I'm in the tub, take a nice long bath, wash my body, shave my legs( sorry JDM had to go there) soak a few...as I'm washing my body with my little spongy thingy, (that's a technical term) I think, gosh, this is like deja'vu. I feel like I've already done this, but I think, NO, couldn't have bc I had to get out a new bar of soap and it hasn't been used. Anyway, I get out, wrap up my head in a towel, dry off, get dressed, lube up my legs....decide it's time to dry the hair. Take my hair down and it feels very strange, not clean at all. I go around the house having the fam sniff my head. If you haven't guessed it yet, I poured my shampoo into my sponge and washed my body with hair soap...thus the deja vu. So I had to wash my hair in the kitchen sink. There you have it, I'm drawing closer to that room....that tells you how my brain is functioning lately...take a bath and FORGET to wash my hair....good grief.


On another note, I'd just like to say I really love my husband, he's a good provider, good father, however, I feel so emotionally unattached to him sometimes. Tonight in my need to share my feelings with him, I say just a few things that are on my mind and he shakes his head almost in disbelief or like I'm annoying him or something. Men, they wonder why we don't talk to them about stuff....ugh.

Here's a pic of how I'm wearing my hair since I've adjusted to the new cut.

Let's talk about sheets...shall we?

I usually come here to pour my heart out, but to spare any reading audience, I will defer for the night. I'm just to overwhelmed to go into all the things I already write about, so let me talk about something random....

How do you feel about bed sheets? I used to have the worst time with sheets. They would ball up on me after being washed only a couple times. I was mentioning this at work one time (when I used to work outside my home) and a coworker suggested only using 100 percent cotton sheets, the higher the thread count the better. So, I ventured out and bought some with the highest thread count I was willing to pay for. That seemed to do the trick. I might like to mention that these type of sheets are not cheap. I usually buy and I find on clearance regardless of color. We also have a king size bed, so also more expensive. The hitch I find myself in now, I'm too poor to buy them...lol. Not on the top of the priority list if you know what I'm talking about. So I'm looking for suggestions? Has anyone else battled the beady sheets and do you use something other than pure cotton that doesn't ball up? Inquiring minds want to know.

I know you're asking yourself..is this it? Has she finally cracked?

I don't think so...but why not talk about something trivial that doesn't weigh so heavily on my mind. Maybe someone is chuckling right now and NOT questioning how soon I will check into the rubber room. It's all good. AND, perhaps I WILL find an answer to my sheet dilemma....

Life goes on

I just finished reading the new Beverly Lewis book and am only slightly annoyed that I have to wait til summer to read the next one in the series. I felt the theme through most of the book was that life goes on. No matter what has/will/or is going to happen, life still marches on. The sun still rises and sets. Though I try not to look into the future, my mind often wanders there.

I've been told recently and quite surprisingly that I inspired someone. Shocking to me as I feel I tread so lightly. Like you know in swim class when you have to tread water, I'm the one barely holding my head above the water. I wonder what it is about how I live that would inspire someone. It's interesting as you go through life how there are people in your life but for a time and life changes and different people enter your life and so on and so on. Then there are the people who are always there maybe in different capacities but nonetheless are still there. I have a friend, someone I've known for years and we still keep in touch, a childhood friend. Her first child was born stillborn when I was pregnant with Lillian. She later came to find out that her daughter died as a result of a chromosome abnormality. Ironic? She now has two healthy boys and is moving along with her life. She and her hubs even visited Lillian in the hospital when she was born despite all that had transpired. Now that is what I call inspiring, yet she says I inspire her. Unfathomable to me.

I have friends from my church, a couple who have come to mean a great deal to me, their children are grown and they thought they were on the way to living life in retirement to the fullest, when she was stricken with ALS. She has rapidly declined in health but is so amazing. Her attitude is unbelievable. She cannot speak, and can hardly walk now, but her outlook is so positive even though she knows what is inevitable. They display strength that I cannot comprehend. Inspiring. I can barely visit with her without crying.

I have a friend who works full time plus a whole lot more. She has a husband and a daughter, she is very involved in our church, she is constantly doing something for someone else and ALWAYS manages to be there for me when I need her and many others as well. She has an amazing, positive outlook and is always looking at the glass half full, (i'll never understand what she sees in me...lol) Inspiring.

Maybe its the faith that these friends display that merit my admiration, I'm not sure. But I know they are living each day because God has given it and life DOES go on. Maybe that's why I feel my faith is so weak because I fear so much of what the future may hold. Maybe I just need to embrace it..."Don't worry about tomorrow, God is already there." Keep being inspired by these wonderful examples I have in my life and not wonder how my life could inspire someone elses. I DON'T know what the future holds but one thing is sure, life will still move on, it's how I choose to handle it is all that will matter.

Back in the Saddle

I think the VOR (voice of reason) is slowly returning to my brain. NutJim slid in there for a bit and took over. Maybe that is how I cope with good old Riley, if you can call it coping. I don't think there is any feeling much better than returning home. Being with your family, in your own bed, a bathtub to soak in. All the craziness that 4 extra chattering girls bring to the picture. OH-and might I say fixing a meal you've been craving...potato soup. Made it last night and it was DE.LIC.IOUS. I really enjoy cooking and its probably a little prideful to say, but my cooking in particular. It's just one of those creature comforts. I love that I can take simple ingredients and produce something so satisfying. The best, I have leftovers for lunch for probably the rest of the week! AND-this is going to sound insane too, but Walmart, I actually felt a twinge of, well, I don't know what you'd call it, but going in the Vortex was not a dreaded event. I think it's just familiarity. I remember, as a child, when we would go for a visit somewhere that took a long drive (which was most everywhere since we lived in the boonies) that when we drove back into the small town that was where I went to school, I felt so peaceful and was finally able to relax in the car. Funny how some things about you never change. I remember being relieved that we were back "home". Just a feeling of peace would encompass me. Comfort perhaps of being in a familiar place. Does any of that make sense? That's what it feels like to be home. That same peace flows over me. Now, don't get too crazy on me, that peace swiftly passes as the hustle and bustle of my brood kicks in, but even for a moment it is blissful!

Now let's talk about something that is driving me NUTS- dreams. I am having the CUH-RAZIEST dreams. I should call them nightmares because they so disturbing but not necessarily scary. Last night, aside from the nonsense of what all I was dreaming, I dreamed I was attacked by a man. Someone I thought I could fight off, but was not able to. ICK. I thought I was vividly dreaming because of being at the hospital, but now, notsomuch. I feel so un-rested when I dream like that and when they are so nutty, I hate remembering them. Blech.

I'd also like to say I know I complain about Hotel Riley quite a bit. I would like to mention some things that are just beyond touching that happen there. While some nurses seem completely out of touch, this was not the case on this visit....after being there so many times on the same unit, you start to develop relationships with these people. It is the ONLY sad part of leaving the hospital. Several nurses were extraordiarily kind to me. One of them, I'll call her Ausie...she made me a cake...yes, cake. I don't know if she knows how much I appreciated it. I LOVE chocolate cake. LOVE IT! Another nurse brought me in a Mountain Dew, chocolate, AND some ibuprofen to help me with my headache. Several nurses included me in their dining out and allowed me to order food with them. Then there was another nurse who harassed me to no end and I gave it back to her, which helped to lighten the atmosphere. Ausie and Mapril, I'll call her, both came and listened or just gave me support when I was in one of my crying/want to smack a stupid person mode. These things, I believe, go far above the call of duty and I don't know if they know how much it means. I, of course, said thank you, but that doesn't seem justice for something I feel is so deeply appreciated.

This post is turning into a book so I'll stop.

Do you have crazy dreams?

What do you think goes beyond the call of duty?

Does returning home after being away give you the warm fuzzies?

FF

Years ago I had a friend and when we watched movies together and we wanted to get through the previews we always said FF instead of fast forward. I've found in the new world of modern technology and DVD you can't always FF. I am forced to watch the previews, the ads or commercials, things I'd just as soon skip. I WANT to see that movie...the happy ending. That is where I'm living...in the previews. All the medical fragility, the things that have to happen to improve her quality of life. I want to be able to push FF and see what life will be like in another year. I want to be able to see past all this sickness and not have yet another preview to go through. My Maker doesn't allow FF...as much as I think I need it.

I've come to unwind...

Today has been a very crappy day. I'm exhausted and hurting and worried. Lillian had to have some oxygen today and we know we are to be here for at least seven days. I'm tired. I'm tired I'm tired. She did have a few visitors today, although it was in the midst of the turmoil going on in the room and my bfff Jennifer brought me a care package...bless her heart. I should never ever complain, but I'm so tired of this. I get sick of people asking what she's exposed to and is anyone in the house sick....what does it freaking matter? She's sick now and it's noone's fault. She's just sick. I'm tired of asking professionals to be quiet bc she's sleeping only for them to stand over her bed and yack yack yack away. I'm tired of all the "students" and ten zillion doctors that ALL have to listen and ask the same stupid questions. Hello have a conference talk amongst yourselves.....READ A FRICKIN CHART. I miss my bath tub...and yes, that lovely spring in my bed. I'm tired of saying how the night went and yes she pukes bc she's coughing up her lungs. I'm tired of her being unwell.....and not being able to play and being racked by rib cracking hacking. I want to sit in a quiet place and cry and not be asked what's wrong or if there is anything they can do---the answer is NO. Gotta go--library closing.

Whacked!

Well, I did it....chop, chop, chop. I will grant you I understood going into the haircut that it was going to be shoulder length and layered, but I told the girl I didn't really care, I was ready for a change. I closed my eyes and let her go about the plan I "thought" we were going with. She had to go help another customer and I opened my eyes and thought I might to change my pants....so what do you think??? Today, I flipped the back out so it sticks out some....I also have the top a little more lifted today---so there you have it, it's gone, but it will grow back!

New Blog

In hopes of sharing Lillian's story and reaching out to other Momma's out there, I've moved her website to Blogger. Check her story out there...
www.lillian-takeawalkwithme.blogspot.com

Couple questions, how do you post a youtube video to blogger?
How do you make your own links on the side of your blog? Email me, I'm so not computer savvy, I need all the help I can get! mdh5girlz@sbcglobal.net


BTW- thanks for all your comments yesterday! It made me laugh and gave me comfort!

Weepy

I know, the shock you must be reeling from right now...

Seriously, Lord have mercy I feel like I'm on a roller coaster that does not stop. Things here are really pretty good, except my sleep factor. Hubs hours have been changed so my ability to draw in those extra Z's have been deleted. I'm having to sit here at the computer to keep my peepers open. (side note, when I sat on the couch yesterday I fell asleep and you wouldn't believe what Lil did to the LR) I think it might be the fact that I was catching up with a seldom seen friend and I was sharing with her how things were around here. Of course, this leads into the inevitable telling of all the hospitalizations and stuff that just goes on in this house. So now of course I feel like crying, not for any particular reason, just crying. Reading folks blogs happy and sad make me want to cry for different reasons, then I start getting OCD about my blog, like why don't people follow mine or comment or how does a person get 600 some comments??? I'm INSANE i tell you. Nutjim, my new nickname, is so appropriate. It's very close to nut-job...I'm thinking of changing my name on here to that. So don't be surprised if I leave so crazy comment on your blog signed Nutjim. This blog and Lillian's blog have kind of become my outlet. I love to do crafty stuff but I just can't with this little critter running around here. Let me tell you , it's just not easy. I always feel better when I'm making cards or scrapping or just doing something for someone else (maybe I should use that mentallity for housework.......nah). Ok, I'm just stopping the madness right now, I'm sitting here thinking I need a straight jacket after writing all this....(no wonder I only have 15 followers, lol) So here's some random randomness....

Did you ever notice one thing that NEVER changes about someone is their eyes?

Do you delay shaving your legs bc you believe the hair insulates your legs better even though you love how it feels after even though it only lasts one day?

Have you recently caught yourself using words that have two different meanings in the wrong format?

I just peaked out my window and saw a bird fly off with a piece of plastic that was bigger than itself. Curious.

Do you wonder how your life got so complicated?

Possibly a little known fact about me....I'm a fairly simple person. I like to cook and quilt and have ideals more like an 80 year old woman? My kids are not crazy involved in things and most of the time, I don't mind staying home and although we struggle, I don't mind driving used cars and I don't feel the need to "keep up with the Joneses" I don't mind that I'm moving into a smaller, hundred year old home.

So what is your random randomness? Any answers to my questions? Do you think I belong in a room with rubber walls? Let me have it....all of it.

And just bc, I'm posting a picture of a quilt that I made for a friend's baby. I keep saying I like to quilt but have no proof, so I want to prove that I actually can...LOL (note, I did not state I was a good quilter, I would definitely NOT win any ribbons)

betcha didn't know quilts had feet!

Stuff

Ok, I'm posting this 'specially for Vickie bc she is always sharing her wonderful pages....(so much more creative than me) Oh-and I'm posting the pics of all my basketmaking. It's difficult to see some of the details on the scrapbook pages bc, let's face it, I stink at taking pictures of books...these are just some of my very favorite pages.

This was really the first time I experimented with so many different papers. The hair barrett in her hair is attached to the top of the page. I have a bible verse printed from my computer on one page covered with vellum attached with brads... and same process for the word precious on the opposing page. This was her first set of "professional" pictures taken right on my dining room table.

I actually wrote that L on vellum on the right and there are little rhinestones on the top of the safety pin and on the poem I wrote about her on the page.

What did your Sunday hold?

Today I worked on another basket and wanted to get a pic posted, but after some unexpected company and playing outside, I haven't finished yet, but let me show you what the rest of the fam did through the day...

Climbing Trees, yes that is TWO count em TWO of my children in the tree

Working on a tan and taking it easy...

Mowing the grass, earning her keep!

Playing with the "new" to us lawnmower

And last, swinging like a monkey in the tire swing...ahh what a day, we couldn't keep her in the house after the whole lawnmower bit!

So, how was your Sunday? Any crafting or did you climb any trees? Maybe one day I should climb that tree when I need to get away, ya think? They'd never guess....*evil laughs*

Oh, btw, if you're wondering why Rebecca doesn't appear in these pics it's bc she was at the neighbors house helping find a toy in their car....

Weekend Crafting

Start with this.... First color

2nd color

Time for fabricLittle bit of covered heavy cardboard in the bottom with matching fabric..you need some stability
Time for a break...before making handles

hey, don't judge me...No, I'm not being naughty, see that bump on the side of my finger, hot glue gun means what it says...yep, it's hot...

All doneSo you may think this looks tacky or country but I think it's cute. One of my friends showed me how to make this "basket" about 13 years ago and I made a lot back then, so I thought I'd take a shot and see if I could still hammer one out, if you will....tell me what you think...I'm considering a "blogaway" with one of these little babies filled with goodies....Pretty inexpensive and doesn't take too much time...(ecspecially when kids find it "fun" to unwind paper ribbon)

How Can I Fear?

How can I fear?

Jesus is near,

He ever watches over me

worries all cease

He gives me peace

How can I fear with Jesus.

Up and Down

Seriously I'm not manic, just ask anyone....(ok I'm giggling bc that is sort of a funny statement)

I've had a pretty good day. I got to go to school and make copies, go out for lunch, (addiction fed, literally) come home take a nap, wake up go to the Vortex(pretty painless). As I sat by Lillian's bed trying to coax her into believing that it really was bed time, I got to thinking(that's where the trouble began) I started picking myself apart. Wishing I was more. Does that make sense? I grew up in a very angry home....my mother was very strict and to be feared. Took me well in to adulthood to not be fearful...dumb I know. She never beat me or anything, just very short and angry. I'm sure we deserved some of it, but a lot of it was plain old overkill. My parents fought A LOT and we were poor. All of this, I guess, molded me into who I am. Why can't I be more patient, more calm, not so fretful. I constantly worry about whether I'm a good enough parent and if my girls will grow up to make good decisions and keep the faith I'm instilling in them. I'm afraid. Can I handle the future that looms ahead? So before I know it, I'm in tears and still tearful. Thus, the up and down.