Thursday, April 2, 2009

Up and Down

Seriously I'm not manic, just ask anyone....(ok I'm giggling bc that is sort of a funny statement)

I've had a pretty good day. I got to go to school and make copies, go out for lunch, (addiction fed, literally) come home take a nap, wake up go to the Vortex(pretty painless). As I sat by Lillian's bed trying to coax her into believing that it really was bed time, I got to thinking(that's where the trouble began) I started picking myself apart. Wishing I was more. Does that make sense? I grew up in a very angry home....my mother was very strict and to be feared. Took me well in to adulthood to not be fearful...dumb I know. She never beat me or anything, just very short and angry. I'm sure we deserved some of it, but a lot of it was plain old overkill. My parents fought A LOT and we were poor. All of this, I guess, molded me into who I am. Why can't I be more patient, more calm, not so fretful. I constantly worry about whether I'm a good enough parent and if my girls will grow up to make good decisions and keep the faith I'm instilling in them. I'm afraid. Can I handle the future that looms ahead? So before I know it, I'm in tears and still tearful. Thus, the up and down.

5 comments:

The VW's said...

Being a mom is a very difficult job! I just posted about this yesterday! We can't always have it all together and there are so many fears when we are the one that is responsible for our precious 'cargo'...which sometimes makes for not so pleasant days and days when we feel like we must be the worst mom on the planet! Hang in there!

You have a lot on your plate! You are only human! Your children are blessed to have YOU! Try to give all these fears to God...easier said than done, but it usually helps me in the end. And venting about it all seems to help too! Great job Momma! Hope you have a wonderful day!

Mandy said...

God gave you this life because he knows that you can handle it. Not just handle it but do a great job at it. You're a wonderful mom and your kids are blessed to have you. Now, all that to say BEING MOM IS HARD so don't beat yourself up!!!

Vickie said...

You do have a lot on your plate. I am sure your kids will know that you are doing the best job for them.

Marissa said...

I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. Sometimes barely squeaking by is the best we can do. I just know in my heart of hearts things will get better for you. I also know in my heart of hearts you are a great mama. We all fall short sometimes.

I wish I were closer, sounds like you need a hug and a shoulder,

Take care NutJim,

Alicia

Finding Normal said...

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I will say, you are way too hard on yourself. Every time I see one of your girls, she has a big old smile on her face. That right there speaks volumes. Yes, life is full of stress. And yes, you definitely have more than your fair share of it. But you also have lots of blessings. Stop beating yourself up and just stand in the fact that you are doing a good job. Not perfect. None of us are. But good!