Monday, November 24, 2008

Reflections of a Mother

Tomorrow will be two years ago that she came into my life and changed me. I remember the gaping whole in my heart when I awoke to remember she was not with me, but miles away struggling to survive. Coming to her bedside and reeling from what my eyes were seeing. Being her Mother and not being able to help her wanting her desperately back inside where I could protect her. Not being able to hold her or even be really close to her. Wishing it were me. Riding the roller coaster of emotions she would take me on. Sobbing into my pillow, needing my husband and needing my children. Watching her come off a vent and then heart failure, and back on a vent. Wondering if a vent would be her life. Making decisions, praying without ceasing. Finding a strength I didn’t know was there. In a cold, lonely room, feeling the touch of the Holy Spirit. Finding true friendships in the strangest of situations. Coming to grips with the reality of what lay ahead. Learning to be a parent all over again, wiping away anything I knew about raising a child. Finding such joy in the first smile. Living with the guilt of taking so much for granted. Living my faith so that others might see Christ in me. Seeing the harsh reality of those that survive and angels that earn their wings. Experiencing true grace. Loving her more than caring about how many nights I’d stay awake by her bed. Focusing on acceptance rather than expectation.


I’ll survive whatever comes next.
Happy Birthday my Love


Finding Normal said...

Did you REALLY have to go and make me cry today? LOL
So well written, and so much like what I have felt. You are a survivor. I really think we should have medals and crowns and chocolate bestowed upon us. Every day!
Think not only how far she's come, but also how far you have come as well. What a journey! And through it all, you've kept faith and grace. How humbing is this mom gig!
And look at those baby pictures!She really does look like a different kid now, much like my own has transformed herself.
Oh, Miss Lillian? YOU ROCK! Can't wait to see you again and give you a big birthday squeeze!

John Deere Mom said...

Wow...what an amazing post. I girls deserve many crowns and medals! Happy Birthday, Lillian!

Vickie said...

What a wonderful post. Happy birthday to Lillian!!

Heather said...

Happy birthday Lillian!!!

(Stopping by from over at Finding Normal)

May God bless you and your family!

Junior Mints said...

Happy Birthday Lillian!

I have similar NICU pics, unfortunately!