Friday, November 14, 2008

Surviving Walmart

So I'd like to go back a few years to when my oldest was in first grade. Let me set this up...Oldest is 6 at the time, others follow as 5, 3, and 1. I, in my insanity, take all the girls to Walmart. Bethany had just started first grade and wanted a haircut. Well, there is a salon in there, so I think...ok, let's do it. Sitting in there, Bethany is in the chair, Rebecca is watching a video, Isabelle is beside me and Madeline is in the back of the cart right in front of me. So the whole back of the cart is parallel to me...picture it. I have opened a huge hair book, you know the ones that show all the hair styles/cuts and such. As I'm already stressing out bc I've made it out of the parking lot and into the store with four in tow...well, of course all the kids are talking and the stylist is trying to talk to me....AHHHH, well, I'm trying to read this book and somehow Madeline flops out of the cart onto this book into my lap within a second. OK, so I recover from the heart attack I've nearly had, hair cut is done, pay, go to get dog food which is just around the corner..."mommy, I have to go pee", "me too", UGH, so, trudge all the way back to back of store to family bathroom. Kids are yelling at each other..."let me go first", MOOOOOMMMMMYYYYY, I gotta peeeeee" I look down, baby is missing her shoe. Ok, where is said shoe??? Must be in hair salon. Trudge everyone back up front, (re-tracing steps) find said shoe. I decide this might be a good time to enlist another cart. Put two youngest children in one, let oldest push empty cart. (this would be a great place for pictures or drawings or something visual) I'm walking between staggered carts, oldest behind, Rebecca by my side (in front of empty cart) and pushing youngest two in other cart. Everyone now decides they are starving, I'm starting to have a blood sugar low and think...ok, this was the worst idea in history, time to cut bait and run, but I MUST have milk for children. So, I'm making the round as quickly as possible to get milk in cart and get the heck out of dodge, when Rebecca makes a sudden stop, cart runs up on her heels, which in turn runs same cart into Bethany's mouth. All I can think is get out of this store as quickly as possible. I'm going come on, let's hurry, let's get out of here....I'm almost running to the milk...Rebecca is hopping on one foot whaling, and I look back, Bethany is standing dead in the same spot whaling and holding her mouth. Drag unwilling children to get milk, people staring at me, kids yelling, "MOMMY you hurt me"........Vowed never to take four children to Walmart EVER again.

Fast Forward to Present Day, I'm in Walmart a month ago, have Isabelle, Madeline and Lillian. I'm trying to squeeze through the medicine aisles with the cart when I come up behind a young black woman who was basically thin, but kinda has this booty on her...well, her butt crack is sticking out of her jeans about two inches (not exaggerating) and she's standing straight up. Ok, seriously, who could not feel their buttcrack hanging out like that...ewww. I can't get past her and I notice Madeline, glasses on the tip of her nose looking this girl up and down. I'm biting my tongue, praying, please please please don't say anthing. Madeline pushes her glasses up, looks the woman up and down again, and has this befuddled look on her face, by this time I'm stifling my giggles, still praying. We finally get around the buttcr-I mean woman, and Madeline grabs her own shirt, yanks it down and pulls up her own pants. ROTFLMBUTTCRACKO.

I think I've survived Walmart....


Finding Normal said...

I DETEST Walmart. I actually boycotted it for a few years until I recently remembered just how much cheaper it is than the Target/Marsh combo I was doing. And we were doing okay, there for a while, until one of their assy cashiers said OMG what is WRONG with your daughter. Yeah. Thanks.

angie said...

I call Wal-Mart...the Vortex!! It sucks you in and never lets you go!! I cannot even begin to imagine taking 4 kiddos at the same time. Kuddos to you!!