Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The day my heart broke and surrendered

A friend recently gave me a book about being grateful in the midst of EVERYTHING. I'm about 1/3 of the way through the book. It got me to thinking about the journey we've been walking, I felt compelled to share a bit of something that has brought change in my heart.

About five and half, maybe six years ago, my parents split up. I was devastated, more from the standpoint that I felt my Mom was walking away from our/her faith. I felt everything I cherished in family was dissolving and there was absolutely NOTHING I could do about it. Around the same time, my aunt was losing her battle with cancer AND one of my lifelong friends had given birth to her first daughter in her 27th week of pregnancy as a stillborn. I was midway in my pregnancy with Lillian. We buried my Aunt and my friend buried her precious Cortland on the same day. I couldn't fathom worse emotions than I was experiencing in those particular months. I remember holding on to my Mom and the dam breaking in the hours preceding the funeral. I sat in tears through the funeral, mourning my aunt and thinking of my friend in a cemetery lowering a tiny coffin in the ground.

Life moved on, as it does, and I learned to cope. I leaned on my faith and tried to figure out how to deal with the emotional upheavel I was dealing with in mourning the loss of my parents' marriage, I believe death would have been an easier situation to cope with. At least in death, there is an end. There aren't unhappy eyes to look into, awkward conversations, or anger I didn't know how to deal with.

11/24/06 I am admitted into the hospital for an amniocentesis and external aversion to try to see if my pregnancy could come to and end and my precious baby could come into the world and bring me joy. After everything we had been through, including facing financial pitfalls, (we lost our home and had to move while I was on bedrest) I was so looking forward to something sweet and precious.

She was born. My world turned on it's axis and hasn't been the same ever since. I've always thought I had prayed and asked AND followed God's will for my life. I realize, looking back, I'm not sure I really had. I received Christ as my savior as very small child and recommitted my life to him as a preteen girl. I'm not sure, aside from living a fairly "morally " good existence, that I really understood what it meant.

We sat in the little room, while the doctor's gave us the most heart wrenching news we'd ever heard regarding our child's life and very existence. My pastor, after hearing our news, asked me if she died today, would I call her back to this Earth. After a moment, I tearfully answered no. Selfish me would not want to let her go, but Jesus in me knew God knows better than me. My heart broke and surrendered to the will of the Almighty. I know it sounds almost contradictory, but it really isn't. I have been seeking to see Him in this entire situation. It has changed my outlook on SO many things. May God continue to be glorified and uplifted through this broken, surrendered heart.


Crystal said...

How you gonna make me cry like that? I wish I could walk around in your brain some times. You should REALLY write a book.

Finding Normal said...

I don't really "get" what you wrote, perhaps because I'm tired or perhaps because I would need to hear it to understand it all. But I'm hoping you find some peace. You have to trust that all of this was laid out before any of us were born. I accepted that when we found out that my chromosomes are the root of Addison's issues. I was meant to be her mama before I was even born. Think on that for a moment, mama. It changes everything. Love you!

Anonymous said...

Michelle - that is so beautiful and absolutely should be included in your other blog. I am so glad you let me know you wrote it - I thought you had abandoned this one.... You are such a true woman of God...and I am blessed to call you friend.
Much love,

The VW's said...

It's amazing what perspective can do to, and for us! The knowledge of God and His promises have been alive in me since I can remember. But, the perspective that I have of Him today, could only be shown to me through the trials that I have gone through! And, to fully know this grace is such a blessing! Love and Hugs!!!